Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being a virgin in this day of age is something to be proud of. It is like being a unicorn!

   In theory, placing a 'Do not press button' sign on a button will arise obsessive temptation to press it. That said - nobody 'like' this post.

   Look, I know you have your "swag on" but can you walk a little bit faster?

   When ever you are single, all you see are couples, but when ever you are in a couple, all you see are hookers.

   am addicted. I bought all the iPhone,iPad,iTouch...now iBroke,ihomeless and iRegret.

   Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray...

   The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.

   Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you'll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?

   My parole officer heard I joined Facebook, so he came by and removed my house arrest ankle bracelet.... Because, really, where am I going?

   I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie to the hip hip hop, a you dont stop the rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat

   Thanksgiving is a day when we pause to give thanks for the things we have.....MEMORIAL DAY is a day when we pause to give thanks to the people who fought for the things we have.

   After handing cashiers money, I like to caress their hand just to let them know that all sales don't have to be final.

   BREAKING NEWS: Florida 1st state of the union to legalize murder..

   My curiosity and common sense are arguing again.

   Just once I'd like to see a realistic tampon commercial where the actress is sitting in bed crying with a half eaten snickers in her mouth!

   It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins.

   Dear credit card company, Your endless calls are a waste of both your time and mine. If you were dumb enough to approve me for a credit card at the height of my alcoholism... be smart now and realize my sober ass isn't payin' you sh!t.

   Only 64 more cartons and I get my FREE Marlboro casket!

   The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"

   Black Friday is when Kim Kardashian shops for a new husband.