Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You ever wonder why it's only women who need exorcisms?

   Please write another brilliant status about how high you are. I'm on the edge of my seat here.

   Obey the law! Unless you support who I support, then go ahead and do whatever you want. Tremendous hypocrisy!

   I got thrown out of the park for arranging all the squirrels by height. Apparently they didn’t like me crittersizing them.

   I really wouldn't be worried about Hurricane Jose, there's no way Trump will let him into the country....

   Why is it you can smoke in a tobacco store, but can't drink in a liquor store?

   no terrorist, but he has blown up his underwear a time or two.

   drinks beer to keep people employed

   Love is photogenic...it needs darkness to develop."

   currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!!

   I'm fed up with my brain remembering crap I'd like to forget and forgetting crap I'd like to remember!

   Got up this morning and thought 'it looks nice out'....so I'll leave it out.

   It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

   may not be Santa, but it doesnt mean he hasnt seen you while you're sleeping...

   If I had a nickel for every time I ignored your Facebook request I'd have enough to buy a real farm.

   Time flies when you press snooze

   going cow tipping in FarmVille...Don't say I didn't warn you...

   It wasn't until Rick gazed upon a photo on her facebook after 4 kids, and 80 pounds that he finally stopped wishing he had Jessie's girl.

   Facebook is doing maintenance on my account. I hope that means they're airbrushing my profile pics!

   filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?