Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm really lucky that I was born on my birthday.

   I think, therefore i'm single.

   Everything this man said to me was a lie. Every.. Thing. Except the part about how pretty I was, that was true.

   China's "one-child per family" policy is being ended -- because not enough babies. Apparently it's so bad over there that some factories are actually hiring adults...

   I just saw a kid wearing crocs. Wow if you hate your kid that much just put him up for adoption you don't have to make him suffer like that.

   Just wrote ‘You have no new messages' on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.

   how does taking a bath get me clean when the first 2 things in the water are my feet and a ss??

   I prefer to describe myself as "delightfully difficult". And it would be easier if you agreed.

   Looks like Jerry Sandusky is still screwing kids(players) at Penn State even after he's gone!

   They're playing Nicki Minaj at the zoo. Wait nope, just a couple of chimpanzees fighting.

   Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.

   My girlfriend said, "I don't know if six inches is gonna be enough for me." Thank God we were at Subway when she said it!

   Stop criminals and repeat offenders - DO NOT re-elect them!

   having a mental margarita. It was delivered by a shirtless cabana boy.

   I sleep better naked... why can't the flight attendant understand this?

   Did you know…As a farmer, George Washington grew marijuana on his farm at Mount Vernon and promoted it's growth. (In the 1790s, the crop was grown mainly for its industrial value as hemp and for soil stabilization.) Anyway, Happy Presidents' Day!

   The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.

   Silence is a girl's loudest cry. You can always tell she's really hurt when she starts ignoring you.

   "I'm wrong, your Right, I'm sorry, it'll never happen again"..... Easiest way to solve an argument with the wife

   Dear Children, When you look in your closet, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.