Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll tell you what's wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.

   i miss the 1970s when you could ignore a call without even knowing who it was

   Am sorry I asked you 'Who is the father' when you told me your wife is pregnant.

   Dear Hollywood, If you want to make your zombie movies more realistic you need to stop creating zombies with scars unless you expect us to believe someone is stitching them up.

   Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say "Over there."

   Yes, Lets use the little blonde girl in braid ~Hitler~

   The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on this morning she'll think she lost weight.

   Laughs, joy, rainbows, outstanding, butterflies, sunlight, weekends, love, cheers, relaxing, Saturdays, extraordinary, hilarious, moonlight, optimistic, peaceful, romance - Just changing my Facebook algorithms with keywords to see happier posts!

   mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income. me: no problem broker: Where are you currently employed? me: Spirit Halloween

   When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

   One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you're texting while driving.

   You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.

   Freudian slips happen to the breast of us.

   Period pains? Try having a b0ner in jeans....

   What I learned from the Grammys: Lady Gaga SILL terrifies me, Beyonce apparently has seizures while performing, Taylor Swift has some VERY adult teeth in her teen-aged mouth, & Lil Wayne was lookin like a fool with his pants on the ground!

   There are going to be so many Snookis this year for Halloween. I think I will dress up as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face.

   thinks that they should change the name of Starbucks to Fivebucks

   There needs to be free birth control handed out at welfare offices...agreed??

   Prank: Have 10 friends call the same phone # for a week & ask for Jim. Then call it yourself & say “this is Jim, do I have any messages?”

   Mexican word of the day: Nacho, Hillary Clinton is Nacho President!