Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Send a SEAL team into the militant's barracks at night, scatter legos and matchbox cars on the floor, pull the fire alarm and unleash a weapon of mass distruction more powerful than the world has ever seen before. Syrian conflict solved! 
A good rule of thumb is to take the amount of trust you have in someone's knowledge and decrease it by 15% for each tooth they're missing.
Every maternity ward is just a Facebook wall post factory.
To quit smoking I can either take a pill that may make me want to kill myself, or take no pills and want to kill someone else...... Conundrum
Single guys; your married friends will buy your lunch just to hear sex stories. Do like I do and just make them up…
I want what ever Kristen Stewart is on!! She is anywhere but at the freakin Oscars!!!
I swear my wife buys sports bras just to piss me off...
I remember a day when actions used to speak louder than words. Then along came Facebook.
If I had a mood ring on today, it'd be flashing like a disco ball..!
it's unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
My signature move is falling in love with people I can't have.
There is no game if you refuse to play.
Laugh now, but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world
The Less people you deal with, the less problems you will have.
thinks snowfall should be measured in school and business cancelations.
You don't want to look back on your life and say, "I just made it through."
Doing the old....how many woman have I slept with count....God I hate fractions
I lost the bar trivia last night by one point. The last question was "where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer is , Fiji......
The ski racks on my car say I'm fun, adventurous, and can't figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
Now I lay me down to sleep... one less terrorist this world does keep... with all my heart I give my thanks... to those in uniform regardless of ranks... you serve our country and serve it well... with humble hearts your stories tell... so as I rest my we 