Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't you just sometimes start a conversation with someone and halfway through you regret the day you've met them?

   I wear my heart on my sleeve and my lunch on the entire front part.

   My daughter just said when she grows up she wants to marry someone just like me. Now I can't stop crying.

   Fortune cookies should have more useful information on them… like… never feed tacos to a child you're potty training.

   Love is never having to say you're sorry. Marriage is saying sorry especially when you're not.

   Conference (noun), Definition: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

   I'M SURE GLAD NONE OF US HAVE ISSUES WE'RE TRYING TO MASK WITH SARCASM!!

   I'd like to spend my Valentine's with the girl of my dreams… But she's gone by the time I'm awake…

   got my cape, diaper, and mask...off to my mandatory job interview, stupid unemployment

   If absence really makes the heart grow fonder, then the boss is going to *love* my new 2-day work weeks.

   I don't know what you see in me, but daily I'm thrilled that you see whatever it is that you see.

   *Stop the CISPA bill progression*. It allows the government and private companies to spy in on YOUR PRIVATE INFORMATION on any site as a means of “cybersecurity"......(Bulls**t)

   Don't underestimate stupid people. They outnumber us.

   Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.

   If any of you ever have to identify my dead body, I'd appreciate you saying it's not me.

   If you want her to treat you nice, first you have to treat her right.

   I bet if you're a stripper, you have panic dreams where you show up in a public place, fully clothed, and you just can't seem to get naked.

   Drinking game: Take a shot or chug a beer everytime Tony Romo says "you know" during an interview or press conference.

   Always young at heart. But the rest of the parts apparently came from Sanford & Son

   You know before Facebook, I use to call up 435 friends of mine everyday... just to tell them 'how much I hate my work and how much I love getting stoned.'