Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 32, looking for some action!” I sent her my ironing, that’ll keep the b****h busy.

   The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.

   A lot of my problems seem to start by waking up in the morning.

   Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

   "Shall we move this to the bedroom?" - Me, to snacks.

   i think facebook just set a record for the longest period of time that they haven't changed anything around on us.

   Hey Youtube, you've got a grammatical error on your website... Its "You WILL skip ad in 5 seconds"... not, "You CAN skip ad in 5 seconds"

   “One shot, one kill, one apology.” - Canadian Sniper.

   They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one... Susan

   I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.

   Don't roll your eyes at me. We aren't married yet.

   Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn't it?

   This McDonalds sandwich is delicious, and my heart will be thanking me in the future, when it gets to quit working early.

   When a girl says, "I'd rather we just stay friends," what she really means is, "I'd rather just date someone attractive."

   I call "dibs" again this year for "Tanning Mom" as a Halloween costume.

   To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.

   Folks, if your feet look like you've been playing soccer with a pineapple, do not wear flip-flops out in public.

   Nature in the country: watching a deer drink from a stream. Nature in the city: watching a rat and a pigeon fight over a condom.

   I think people can be politically correct all they want. As long as they shut the f#ck up about it. . .

   Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth's water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher.