Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would say at least 3% of my life has been spent talking to dogs that are in other people's cars.

   Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?

   I don't have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

   Just found $4 on the ground. Well, more like $2.40 after my ex wife claims her share

   I don't understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there's so heavy.

   Toddlers have an uncanny ability to hear & repeat every cuss word you utter but ignore every suggestion on avoiding injury & imminent death.

   I didn't see a single Olympic wrestler use the sleeper hold or figure four leg lock...

   You need a woman whose last name doesn't end in .jpg, .wmv, or .mpg

   Nestle to recall Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets because they may contain meat that was already recalled by the Department of Agraculture. Most surprisingly, however, is that Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets may actually contain meat.

   If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don't post.

   A friend doesn't question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.

   Oh thank goodness, you posted another selfie. I almost forgot what you looked like since the selfie 5 minutes ago.

   Tuesday, aka Monday 2.0

   If you figure me out I want an explanation.

   If I had a dollar for every time someone called me gay I'd be able to afford front row tickets to the Cher concert.

   Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

   I think Taylor Swift's song "Shake It Off" is a great potty training tool for boys

   I'd like the ability to call the car in front of me & tell the driver to pull her head out of her ass. Where are we on this technology?

   Life is too short to remove the USB safely.

   Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.