Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Almost 7 billion people on the planet and I find about 10 of them somewhat tolerable once in a while.

   One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you cant say out loud.

   "Someone's been eating my porridge!", said Father bear. Mother bear sighed and poured him another bowl. Life was tough and draining for her, now that her husband was suffering from Alzheimer's.

   Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

   somethings are better left unsaid..that's usually about the time my verbal filter shuts down and I blurt it out anyway!!

   I never make the same mistake twice.....I make it 5 or 6 times just to be sure.

   Kids are looking at Google Earth...I told them when I was growing up my Google Earth consisted of a map, a push pin, and a post it note that said you are here

   DEVELOPING NEWS: The U.S. Government is shutting down....IN OTHER MORE IMPORTANT DEVELOPING NEWS: I've already started DRINKING!!!! The Government can tax me, but they can't ruin my FRIDAY!!!

   The first step is admitting you're a problem.

   I have a lot of friends practicing law without a degree. They all want to judge me.

   Why do they even make car alarms anymore? When's the last time you heard one and didn't just walk away muttering about what a douche they are?

   We designed iPhone 5 to fit your hand. Just where your money used to be.

   Kids you think you'll never use math, then the next thing you know you're trying to work out percentages in alcoholic beverages.

   I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

   A real man should never wave faster than he SAYS the word "hey"

   I entered the word bit*h into my GPS and guess what, I'm in your driveway!!

   I'm hoping my see through white shirt will distract everyone from the fact I'm not wearing make-up today

   I hope I can kill my feelings before my liver.

   I hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career.

   So Taylor Swift is single? Again? Please allow me to express my sincere shock at this sudden and unexpected turn of events.