Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best time to look for a job is when you already have one. Men apply the same theory to looking for a girlfriend.

   I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle. He said it was the most violent thing he ever read.

   I think these cold pills are just making the snot mad.

   Alien 1: "Did the humans receive our message?" Aliens 2 : "Yes, but they named it Dubstep and now they dance to it."

   I often send texts to random numbers that say. "Guess whose restraining order's expired!?" Eventually I'm bound to get a hysterical reply.

   I don't think dogs like giving high fives as much as we think they do.

   Why should I bother staying informed about political issues when nobody running for office does?

   When you start to believe your own lies is when you know you're getting good at it.

   Okay, I admit it! I have my chat showing as offline because I don't want to chat with some of you right now.

   So you're telling me that a house fell on your sister, and the only thing you care about is her shoes?

   would gladly volunteer his services to hang out with Charlie Sheen at the Post-Oscars party.... You know, to keep him on the straight and narrow...

   Why do they call it a Flash Mob when no one gets naked?

   Do you have a weakness? Cupcakes... and porn..Not at the same time! I need a free hand.

   these kids today are lucky they have the soft plastic jungle-gyms with straw padding the ground..Instead of those broken down wooden death traps we had too play on as kids with that soft cement to break your fall...

   How may perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One - but it takes an expert medical team to remove it afterwards.

   You know telling the kids that the Easter bunny is watching just doesn't have the same power as Santa's watching!!!

   I would be unstoppable if I could just get started.

   Props to the radio stations!! I know it must be difficult with the different lengths of songs yet you still manage to sync ur commercials with every other radio station!

   First-year gynecologists have to take a special med school class about not high-fiving other first-year gynecologists.

   was thinking about going into politics but I don't think I could ever cheat on my wife