Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The best time to look for a job is when you already have one. Men apply the same theory to looking for a girlfriend.
←Rate | 02-02-2012 08:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle. He said it was the most violent thing he ever read.
←Rate | 02-09-2012 09:57 by Nobody Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think these cold pills are just making the snot mad.
←Rate | 02-09-2012 15:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Alien 1: "Did the humans receive our message?" Aliens 2 : "Yes, but they named it Dubstep and now they dance to it."
←Rate | 02-13-2012 00:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I often send texts to random numbers that say. "Guess whose restraining order's expired!?" Eventually I'm bound to get a hysterical reply.
←Rate | 02-18-2012 12:08 by Czovczov Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't think dogs like giving high fives as much as we think they do.
←Rate | 02-22-2012 08:12 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why should I bother staying informed about political issues when nobody running for office does?
←Rate | 03-02-2012 20:55 by K-Mac Comments (0)  


   messageicon When you start to believe your own lies is when you know you're getting good at it.
←Rate | 01-28-2011 14:56 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Okay, I admit it! I have my chat showing as offline because I don't want to chat with some of you right now.
←Rate | 02-07-2011 14:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So you're telling me that a house fell on your sister, and the only thing you care about is her shoes?
←Rate | 02-10-2011 14:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon would gladly volunteer his services to hang out with Charlie Sheen at the Post-Oscars party.... You know, to keep him on the straight and narrow...
←Rate | 02-28-2011 01:21 by gavdunn Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do they call it a Flash Mob when no one gets naked?
←Rate | 07-28-2011 23:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do you have a weakness? Cupcakes... and porn..Not at the same time! I need a free hand.
←Rate | 08-14-2011 23:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon these kids today are lucky they have the soft plastic jungle-gyms with straw padding the ground..Instead of those broken down wooden death traps we had too play on as kids with that soft cement to break your fall...
←Rate | 09-06-2011 14:54 by bryan j brown Comments (0)  


   messageicon How may perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One - but it takes an expert medical team to remove it afterwards.
←Rate | 09-10-2011 17:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know telling the kids that the Easter bunny is watching just doesn't have the same power as Santa's watching!!!
←Rate | 04-16-2011 15:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I would be unstoppable if I could just get started.
←Rate | 05-11-2011 21:14 by CleverKID Comments (0)  


   messageicon Props to the radio stations!! I know it must be difficult with the different lengths of songs yet you still manage to sync ur commercials with every other radio station!
←Rate | 05-14-2011 13:35 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon First-year gynecologists have to take a special med school class about not high-fiving other first-year gynecologists.
←Rate | 05-18-2011 14:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon was thinking about going into politics but I don't think I could ever cheat on my wife
←Rate | 06-26-2011 21:00 by migasjoe Comments (0)  




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