Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And the MVP of the Super Bowl is.........The electric company.

   So when do we invade Chechnya?

   My home is like the Playboy Mansion except all the girls are inflatable and have a surprised look on their face.

   I'll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.

   I would like to know exactly what makes the topless protesters mad enough to protest topless so we can do more of it.

   Fellas; For every minute you spend 'down there,' I'll donate a dollar to Michael Douglas' Throat Cancer Research Fund.

   After 2 million years in existence, the pinky finger reveals its true purpose: supporting the bottom of our phones.

   FACT: I've never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.

   Yes, I'm aware I can't fly, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try if my chute doesn't open.

   By massage you meant sex, right?

   Just once I'd like to break out in song and not be "removed from the premises" and "warned for the last time".

   I usually feel much better after I have evacuated all of the Westboro Baptist Church out of my colon

   Starbucks really knows how to put the "fee" in coffee.

   I'm going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I'm going to haunt grows everyday.

   Don't text and drive. You don't want "lol" to be the last thing you say before you die.

   O.J. Simpson is claiming that Khloe Kardashian is his daughter. He makes the claim in his new book called "The Only Thing I'm Ashamed Of."

   My ex sent me a picture to remind of what I'm giving up. I sent her a picture of my new girl so she knows I don't give a crap...

   This just in...Kate Middleton has boobs; just like every other woman in the world. More details at 11...

   I bet even Tony Romo's throw pillows end up on the wrong couch.

   One man's potato is another man's vodka.