Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

   Surprise sex is the best sex. Unless you're in prison.

   moron.....hahaha.....nobody thinks you're funny

   Most people don’t realize this… But, you can eat organic, gluten-free food without telling everyone about it.

   Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Nickelback song in it.

   Tapping melons with your knuckles is a good way of making your selection in the store, but apparently it's frowned upon at the strip club.

   Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a bat.

   So what happened?? Did London just find out about the Rodney King verdict

   This pill bottle says 'Take with plenty of fluids' and 'Don't take with alcohol'. That doesn't even make sense

   Here's how it works. You have $ex, then nine months later you give birth. Seven years later, you flood my newsfeed with countless pics of these little "geniuses" who, in reality, are average at best.

   I'm always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

   This world is in bad shape. Education would be nice or maybe just learning to spell before you put your thought into the public forum.......What the hell is a "ceeling fan"?

   letting you know your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory

   SAY ''I won a math debate'' really fast & click the like button if you get it

   Dont forget to pay your taxes this year so the Government can give it to people that dont work as hard as you...

   America has got to be the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer.

   Keep on scrolling. I don't want any trouble.

   Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I'm bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please

   My wife told me that a friend of hers gets smacked abound by her husband. Then she told me that, if I ever hit her, I'd only do it the once. "That's what I love about you," I said. She said, "What do you mean?" I replied, "You learnn from your mistakes."

   dreams of the day a chicken can cross the road without having his motives questioned...