Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For English: Press 1, Para Espanol: Move to mexico...

   I remember 2009 just like it was yesterday...

   Finally got Laid... And you all thought It would never happen!

   madder than a Keebler elf being demoted to fudge packer.

   Kate Middleton asks the Queen the secret of a successful marriage. The Queen says, "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off."

   If you're having trouble with using the correct your/you're, just use “ur” because ur a moron!

   reckons alcohol contains female hormones, think about it after drinking 1) Mens speak unnecessarily 2)become very over emotionall 3)drive badly 4)stop thinking 5)FIGHT FOR NOTHING ;

   I'm not sure what I like most about Woman's U.S. Open Tennis.... watching them play or... listening to them play :)

   Now that they found this missing boy in the basement of his own home, I have to ask: Has anyone recently checked the tarmac for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370?

   Obama is now googling "Can an executive order override Supreme Court?"

   Anyone else find it slightly suspicious that a massive plane's gone missing over the same ocean that Bin Laden's floating in.....?

   Gay or straight doesn't matter. What matters here is funny jokes! Come on people, my facebook friends are starting to think I've run out of funny sayings.

   Relax Jared. You will still be able to get all of the footlongs that you want in prison

   Seriously, fucktards. Zuckerburg isn't giving anyone 4.5 mill. You're just embarrassing yourself.

   My wife found lipstick in my pocket. I straight up told her I'm cheating. There no way I'm telling her I'm selling Avon.

   I hate when people inbox me to tell me how funny my status es are... Motherf*cker there is a "like" button for a reason!

   If Monday was a person it would be a fat ginger girl who likes horses and tells the teacher when you cheat.

   It is hard to pull off gangster with a toy poodle sitting in your lap.

   “Defeat is a state of mind; no one is ever defeated until defeat has been accepted as a reality.” -Bruce Lee

   ■If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. ~D.Larson