Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.... 
When Eminem, wrote Recovery, obviously he wanted to Recover. Akon wrote Freedom, because he wanted freedom. And Justin Bieber wrote boyfriend, hhmmmm......
My downstairs neighbor's 3 favorite movies of all time... 3.) “10,000,000 Explosions” 2.) “Army Guys Yelling At Each Other” 1.) “Subwoofer: The Movie”
Tip: Before asking if someone is pregnant, make sure he's a woman.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I'm gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
What's the appropriate cutoff age for playing in an inflatable bouncy house? Please let me know ASAP as this will impact my weekend plans.
There's no need to rush. If something's meant to be, it'll happen in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason.
Ladies... After a BJ, if your makeup doesn't look like The Joker's, you half-a55ed it.
Just got "I <3 U" texted to me. Of course I also think one is less than three. Idiot.
Damn white cars that look like cop cars! I just chugged my beer super fast for nothing
To-Do List : Nothing[✓]
All the autotune in the world still doesn't sound as cool as talking into a desk fan
When I die , I want to be buried with a ring of toasters or egg beaters around me . then when they dig me up 1000`s of years from now the archeologists will say "wow we stumbled apon someone of great importance"
The one thing you don't read about Helen Keller is how everybody blamed farts on her.
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, “Give me a table near a waiter.”
No one knows the true meaning of desperation until you run over a banana peel in Mario Kart
I love those sayings that have 2 opposite words in them... Exact Estimate - Act Naturally - Small Crowd - Found Missing - Happily Married...
going to make a to do list... whos name should I start out with first?
When a cop gets killed in the line of duty, people say "Well, he knew the job was dangerous when he took it." Why can't we use that same logic on criminals who get shot by cops? "Well, he knew if he committed a crime he might get shot....."
Why is it that the same people who are upset about a sports announcer named Robert Lee were perfectly OK with a president whose middle name was Hussein? 