Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got my baby to eat carrots over a boob. I am a heck of a salesman!

   I don't care about your opinion enough to argue with you about anything.

   Sometimes, I just want to copy someone else's status word for word just to see if they would notice..

   Drive careful studies show that 89% of all people are caused by accidents

   sometimes when I'm alone I Google myself.

   Take a lesson from the weather. Learn to be talked about without responding.

   People who gossip need to get their own life, those who listen and believe it need to get a life.

   True friends stab you in the front!

   Brett Favre just sent me an inappropriate text message....I guess it's not that big a deal...I'll just wait two years before I tell anybody... Yea...

   Ladies, when a man tells you that you're one in a million, don't get too flattered. That means there is about 6,500 more of you on Earth.

   got kicked out of a shop.....it said "wet floor"on the sign...so I did....

   i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand

   I need a girlfriend, I am exhausterbated.

   Seriously, "BFF" I've haven't spoken to in 4 months, you deleted me on Facebook?? It only took me a month to notice. I thought we were tight

   fed up with all the emails I keep getting on how to enlarge my penis, particularly since I'm a woman...so I've forwarded them to my ex.

   Shaquille O' Neal in green? Anyone else thinking Shrek?

   Nothing will get a skinny white girl on the dancefloor quicker than "Baby Got Back."

   Facebook is the ultimate weapon of couples' distraction and relationships' destruction

   Just got my jury duty check. Time to cash this bad boy and rock the sh*t out of the dollar store! Woooo!

   Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.