Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My 3 year old son just told me he was still tired after his 2 hour nap. No DNA test needed here Maury.

   Procrastination comes to those who wait

   Donald Sterling said to be confused as to why Jameis Winston would steal crab legs and not fried chicken.

   So if a cow dies of old age after a long and happy life, vegetarians are allowed to eat it, right?

   Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline,,, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on her wall again.

   Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don't have a moon where I live.

   Seems like my body should have better things to do than make ear hair.

   The Status here are dying. We need new blood.

   Date advice to women from a guy: Laughing makes you 100 times more attractive than makeup.

   The razor selections are starting to get scary. How many do they think they can add? I bet in 5 years there will be a Gillette Guillotine, one swipe and that's all...

   Do you think the employee dicount at a Dollar General Store is,"Here, just Take it."?

   She proposed to me. How weird is that? It wasn't thoughtful. It wasn't romantic. She just came in and said it: 'Listen, uh -- I'm pregnant.'

   When I really like a girl, I take her home to meet my parents so she understands why I can never get married.

   on this Valentine's Day...Please don't make me choose between you and porn...

   had a go on one of those fairground stalls where you shoot a duck and you win a prize . I noticed if you aim the gun at the owner of the stall you get all the prizes

   So all men suck huh? Well After awhile, the picker needs to realize its on them for always picking out the bad apples from the orchard.

   "Why didn't you answer my phone call?" Oh, sorry I was dancing to the ringtone

   Someone quoted me incorrectly on Twitter again. I *HATE* it when I get mistweeted.

   I met a farmer who genetically altered a chicken to have six legs so his kids didn't fight over the drumsticks. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.

   Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too.