Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Europe, I lost a bet and have to watch a soccer game. Question: do these things end or do the players just die of old age?

   I'd use the Domino's app if they added interesting updates like "Dave is adding your toppings and his wife is cheating on him."

   Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta

   Intellegent people are often ostracized and shunned by most in society because everyone else is either stupid, uneducated or lacking basic critical thinking skills.

   Im starting to get alarmed at the rate which Facebook keeps bringing up things from my past

   Three things you never have to ask me: Do you want a hit? Do you want a drink? Do you want cheese on that?

   Considering she died three years ago I think Barbara Walters is amazing on "The View."

   Some things get in the way of my happiness so I ignore them.

   There is no more horrible death than the one of a poor tree that ends up being a Twilight book.

   If the driving ability of people on the road today is any indicator of the future of society, we are doomed.

   I don't need drugs to have a good time, but I do need them to get through any family functions.

   It's amazing how alcohol can make you do so many stupid things on your smart phone.

   For the first time in History, the average Canadian is now wealthier than the average American! Don't be discouraged though, this just gives us the option to borrow money from someone else now!!!

   I just violated myself in the shower. I didn't want to but rules are rules and I did drop the soap after all.

   George Jefferson is dead!........''Moving on up to that apt. in the sky!!!'' R.I.P.

   I've been asking God to send me my soulmate. Either he's not listening or we've got very different ideas on how she should look.

   I've regretted being nice way more times than I've regretted being a douchebag.

   This Ramen tastes like unemployment

   Be a deer and stand in the middle of the road for me, would you?

   Lots of woman stay in relationships just to have somebody around to kill spiders and open jars.