Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Dear Oil Companies…at least have the common courtesy to offer a reach around when I pump…Fu@k You Very Much… 
thinks I've found the cure for stupidity... a shock collar. And if it doesn't cure them, at least you got a good laugh watching them twitch."
Why does everyone say my name like it means “Shut Up”?
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
Hiring someone attractive does necessarily not mean they will be a productive employee...unless this person is a prostitute.
There's a fine line between hyphenated words.
HDTV: where the channels are still crap..but a much clearer and colorful crap.
accepted the People's Choice award for best portrayal of a status update
I just harvested my crops, killed a Mafia Don, fed my fish and deleted my Facebook account
Hoarders is on tonite. I like that show because it makes me feel like I'm tidy
went to a massage parlor today and asked for a happy ending, the lady looked at me and said "The Princess kissed the Frog, and turned in to a prince and they lived hapily every after" that will be a 100 bucks thank you,
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
How do I know that Facebook is a woman? Well a man would never ask "Whats on your mind?" Would he?
I'm in one of those moods that only a virgin sacrifice will appease.
: I've decided that when I get to superstar status, I will not have a security guard. I will have a ninja.
Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? To find a tight seal.
can anyone tell me where that McDonald's is?.. ya know, the one in that commercial where you can drive thru 4 times in a row with your baby while no one else waiting in line.. AND get a free egg McMuffin and coffee?
Don't slap my ass then apologize.
Can't wait for the new episode of Hoarders...now all I gotta do is find my television.
Son, when I was your age, our video game controllers were hard wired to the console. And Mario had to walk uphill both ways to the castle. 