Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I miss newspapers. It's weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad

   Some people may hate you for being different & not living by society's standards, but deep down... they wish they had the courage to do the same

   OH MY LORD!! I almost sat down on the toilet without my droid...

   Tough times don't last but tough people do. -Macho man Randy Savage

   My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she's died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

   One step forward for cancer research, two steps back for women getting men to go down on them. Thanks, Michael Douglas

   FUN SCIENCE FACT: When an Australian reads a really stupid post,,,, They roll their eyes counterclockwise

   Whenever a friend shows me a picture of their boyfriend who's unattractive & they say "he's a keeper" I'm thinking, "yeah in the basement"

   Not sure what the big deal is with Danica Patrick. Like we have never seen a woman on the pole before.

   The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.

   White smoke is coming out of my neighbor's house. He either elected a new Pope or he's got some good weed.

   Of the 33,000 deleted emails, I think 32,000 of them were confirmation emails from Amazon for pant-suit purchases.

   Rihanna says chains and whips excite her, I doubt her ancestors felt the same way.

   Today my daughter asked me if beavers have whiskers. I told her it's the woman's right to choose

   cops, just another branch of the American of skin head society

   Sometimes I wonder what became of the imaginary friend I had as a kid... Did he go to imaginary college? Is he married to an imaginary woman or have imaginary kids? I should google his punk ass...

   If Eminem wants to be considered one of the greatest rappers that ever lived, then he has to get shot and killed like Biggie and Pac. Those are the rules.

   F*cking a mannequin is not an excuse to tell your friends you're banging a model.

   I wish google would stop saving my searches. My girlfriend googled Apples the other day and with just the letter A, Google suggested Asian Ass Porn.

   The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a vegan - then I'm pretty sure you can just get there through his pu$$y.