Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Of course I'm not going to delete you... but you did manage to post yourself into my f*ck off and ignore list!

   It's so humid in here in the office that the envelopes are licking themselves.

   OMG, Kourtney Kardashian had a baby!? I didn't even know she was worth talking about!

   A man in a standoff with police demanded to marry Paris Hilton. Now he is undergoing psychological tests. Are these tests REALLY necessary?

   Show me on this voodoo doll where it would hurt you the most.

   And here's your Valentine's Day forecast: Disappointment with intermittent pockets of candy eating.

   You don't want to vajazzle after a certain age or it'll look like bacon dangling from a disco ball.

   If all this phony enthusiasm persists, there will be severe exclamation point shortages by 2028.

   "Be honest with me" means "lie convincingly".

   so manly not even his sentences have periods

   Pro Gun, Pro Gun Control, Pro Life, Pro Choice, Pro This, Pro That, ....How about Pro Common Sense?

   I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror. :/

   Sometimes I spice up my love life by getting my girlfriend to wear a long black nightgown with buttons on it. Makes her look just like a remote control.

   As of today, Starbucks will allow their employees to display tattoos and ear gauges. Those are the round plugs that some people put in their ear lobe to let the world know their dads never played catch with them...

   When Jill whispers in Joes ear she hears an echo.

   There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither theory works.

   watching the biggest loser and eating oreos

   Queen Latifah says she's a lesbian? I was as surprised as every one else that she was a chick.

   No! But id ok if she break up wif you if you talk like dis

   If I had a nickel for every time a girl said, “I'm Over him, I deleted his number & deleted him off Facebook” & then their back together the next day.