Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   yes I am an embarrassment to my family but I am also an embarrassment to other families

   In other news...the Seven Dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.

   I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

   Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

   an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

   McDonald's can mess up your order thousands of times, but a small business makes one mistake and unmercifully gets bashed throughout all eternity.

   Direct deposit $1400: me at the dollar tree. Where the $2 stuff at?

   trying to find the differences between an Oompa-Loompa and Snooki... gotta be the hair!!!

   I live every day of my life as if it's my last. Basically I just leap in slow motion away from things which aren't exploding... Repeatedly.

   "Some people say that one's personality is reflected off of their car... Well, I have no car."

   thinks to err is human but to blame it on someone else... now that's supervisor material!

   True happiness is getting that load off...your shoulders

   I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids.

   Thanks to television, I now believe that all janitorial and supply closets in hospitals are being occupied at all times by people having sex.

   Oh, I see you're playing hard to get... I'm gonna play walk away.

   Had a great massage the other day, but I think I confused my masseuse by asking her for an "ambiguous, european-cinema-style ending."

   Do you think many people look at others facebook's and judge them off what they see or what was said, I dont because thatd be pathetic. But if youre out there, hi. :)

   he really wants to control the television remotely but is unable to locate the device that fulfills that desire.

   Don't you think its time for Life Alert to update their commercials.

   You know people who say they don't want to be on Facebook because they don't want to read what people are having for lunch? Screw them, I'm eating a sandwich.