Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   yes I am an embarrassment to my family but I am also an embarrassment to other families

   In other news...the Seven Dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.

   I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

   Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

   an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

   McDonald's can mess up your order thousands of times, but a small business makes one mistake and unmercifully gets bashed throughout all eternity.

   Direct deposit $1400: me at the dollar tree. Where the $2 stuff at?

   Thinking about opening a hamburger joint out in Utah I'll call it "Five Wives"

   The best sign of a happy loving relationship between two people on Valentine's Day is no sign of it all on Facebook.

   Vegan: Pigs are one of the smartest animals, how can you eat them? Me: 2 out of 3 of them build their houses out of $hit materials...

   My wife asked me "What was the last movie you watched that made you cry?" "Our wedding video." was not the right answer.

   It's not always the one that got away that troubles me the most, as sometimes it's the one that won't go away.

   I stayed up all night trying to remember if I had Amnesia or Insomnia.

   trying to find the differences between an Oompa-Loompa and Snooki... gotta be the hair!!!

   I live every day of my life as if it's my last. Basically I just leap in slow motion away from things which aren't exploding... Repeatedly.

   "Some people say that one's personality is reflected off of their car... Well, I have no car."

   thinks to err is human but to blame it on someone else... now that's supervisor material!

   True happiness is getting that load off...your shoulders

   I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids.

   Thanks to television, I now believe that all janitorial and supply closets in hospitals are being occupied at all times by people having sex.