Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ran out of post-it notes, now I don't know how to remind myself to buy more.

   It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year

   Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.

   If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.

   Parental Pro-tip...Having trouble waking up your teenager? Unplug and pick up their phone. It wakes them up instantly

   Quote of the year: If you think life is unfair, you’re not gonna be too thrilled about death.

   Remember when Ron Paul was too crazy to be President.

   Biggest oxymoron ever: Customer service. Biggest lie ever: This call "may" be recorded for "training" purposes.

   Fourth of July weekend is when we finally get to play our favorite American guessing game, Firework or Gunshot!!!

   Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we're together now.

   My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.

   Instagram is good for showing highlights from your day, but Snapchat brings to life all those boring, in-between moments no one cares about.

   So ..... FBI Director James Comey Sure Has Changed his views a Lot Since He Prosecuted Martha Stewart hasn't he … Folks ... Do some research and check it out.

   About a year ago I told my friend there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his rod.

   Starbucks is going to raise their prices by 10%. Doesn't affect me because if I'm paying over three bucks for a drink, it's always gonna be beer.

   .... I think we should all vote for Pedro and all our wildest dreams will come true .....

   Be careful walking near tall building today. You may see millenials out on ledges for 1 of 2 reasons... they are playing Pokemon Go or they are depressed that their hero Bernie Sanders just fell in line with his comrades.

   I'd love to watch Samuel L Jackson and Morgan Freeman get into a heated argument while James Earl Jones tries to stop them.

   Miss Cleo has died, but if you act now, you can attend her funeral for only $2.99 a minute.

   If you pour two beers in one glass, it's just one beer.