Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I surprised the Avon Lady when I came to the door naked. She was more upset that I knew where she lived.

   Its admirable that you want to be an organ donor, but there may be a less painful way of doing than driving in my blind spot.

   I can't help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt...

   I wish the government would go through my e-mails, because I’m never going to.

   You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.

   I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I've killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

   I think New York has finally been around long enough that we can just start to call it York now.

   Blowing a tranny means something completely different to an auto mechanic.

   Men everywhere should appreciate Starbucks attempt to brainwash women into believing that grande means medium.

   Co-workers not loving my Lenny Kravitz impersonation.

   Secret admirer when you're young. Stalker when you're older.

   I'm so old, I remember the internet when it had no commercials. . .

   Sometimes "message failed to send," is your second chance.

   Sure, you can sit next me. The other 123 empty chairs in this movie theatre probably suck anyways

   Got my wife some lovely perfume for Xmas, its called Tester.. Hope she likes it.

   I came home from the gym this morning staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit … And all I did was sign up.

   Promise me that when you leave Facebook, you guys will tell me where you're going, unlike that time you all ditched me on MySpace.

   A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.

   All the tellers at my bank are female. That means I could probably rob the place with a spider.

   Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he's breaking up with his girlfriend.