Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies: When you paint your toe nails, please shave the hair off your big toe. Thanks.

   ''Awww look my boyfriend left his Facebook open, I'm going to log him off without checking his inbox.'' - Said no woman ever

   Life and beer are very similar……..chill for best results.

   If I don't get at least one friend deletion on facebook every day, I feel as if I didn't do my job.

   The MVP award last night should've been given to that kid from the Audi commercial. He was the player with the biggest balls.

   Cat picture. Car picture. Stupid update. Cat picture. Food picture. Cat picture. Emotional rant. Cat picture. Emotional rant about a cat. Cat picture. Stupid update. Cat picture. Cat picture. WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?!

   How did flying babies in diapers wielding Bow & Arrows ever become a symbol of love?!!!

   It takes 43 muscles to frown, and yet it's still not an Olympic event. Ridiculous.

   They show sex on TV, but radio has 'Bleeps'.......Way to go FCC.

   Attorney General Eric Holder will take away all your guns!........ Mexican Drug Cartel ''That;s where I got mine!!!''

   Blackout in India would have been resolved by now but the electricians can't reach tech support.

   Whenever I'm bored I stop a stranger and ask "where am I?" and whatever they say I runaway screaming "Hahaha I'm a genius! I can teleport!"

   I think I just saw Terrell Owens on Hardcore Pawn.

   All I'm saying is: If you're already gonna be late for work you might as well walk into the office tangled up in a hammock.

   Coffee should be embarrassed by how little it helps me get through the day.

   I told her I just wanted to be friends. She unfriended me on Facebook. Go figure.

   If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn't want me here either.

   Caution: When someone tells you to get a grip, apparently around their neck is not what they meant.. Who knew

   A hot chick with all her teeth and original limbs at a bowling alley is alway a cop posing as a prostitute.

   If you dont sway side to side when listening to Stevie Wonder then we can't be friends.