Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd never get in the back of a stranger's van for candy, but if you have a beer, then consider me kidnapped.

   I tried slicing fruit mid-air with my samurai sword like a ninja, but the fruit just fell on the floor and the police tasered me in Wal Mart.

   I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.

   It probably won't work out between us if you won't even play dead after I stab you with my Wolverine breadstick claws at Olive Garden.

   WANTED: Guitarist for air band. Must have own instrument.

   Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?

   After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She said,"You may not feel anything from the waist down." "Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts....

   Missing someone has been proven to cause insomnia. Being frustrated because you’re without that special someone keeps you awake.

   Tried to make a list of goals today, but it got kind of sad after the first 12 all ended with "and then get some Dairy Queen."

   Remember: no matter how bad your situation and how hopeless you feel there is always someone doing way better than you

   Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.

   White smoke emerges from Vatican chimney, indicating either the new pope has been chosen or the chicken fajitas are ready.

   Just read a story in a magazine that a woman is claiming she was raped by an alien.. Big Deal!.. So was Lady Gaga's mother

   Women sex toys cost money for Batteries! Men's sex toys cost money for rent, clothes, groceries.......

   Sexy is when a woman is hot enough to flaunt it but chooses not to.

   I'm not "Mr Right" but I'll do freaky stuff to you till he shows up.

   You never realise how boring life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.

   Sometimes when you cry, no one see's your tears. Sometimes when your in pain no one see's your hurt. Sometimes when your worried no one see's your stress. Sometimes when your happy no one see's your smile. But fart one time and the whole world knows.

   Hurricane Survival Pro Tip #2: If your neighbor is a jerk, point your patio umbrella at their windows. See what happens in 80mph winds......

   If I have to stir it, it's homemade.