Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There were only 3 commandments until Moses' wife got involved.

   My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.

   You can tell it’s spring by:- The emergence of muffin tops, the flapping of bingo wings and sightings of socks with crocs!!

   I haven't copied and pasted from thi s place in 7 whole days for god sake.

   I'm running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.

   Why don't the post office get the Jehovah's Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.

   Quit asking! I know nothing about the missing cookies!... now, if you will excuse me, I'm getting a glass of milk!

   I seem to be the only one in the whole house who can figure out the toilet paper and how it gets on that retracting stick

   I'd never get in the back of a stranger's van for candy, but if you have a beer, then consider me kidnapped.

   I tried slicing fruit mid-air with my samurai sword like a ninja, but the fruit just fell on the floor and the police tasered me in Wal Mart.

   I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.

   It probably won't work out between us if you won't even play dead after I stab you with my Wolverine breadstick claws at Olive Garden.

   WANTED: Guitarist for air band. Must have own instrument.

   Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?

   After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She said,"You may not feel anything from the waist down." "Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts....

   Missing someone has been proven to cause insomnia. Being frustrated because you’re without that special someone keeps you awake.

   Tried to make a list of goals today, but it got kind of sad after the first 12 all ended with "and then get some Dairy Queen."

   Remember: no matter how bad your situation and how hopeless you feel there is always someone doing way better than you

   Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.

   White smoke emerges from Vatican chimney, indicating either the new pope has been chosen or the chicken fajitas are ready.