Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m pretty sure if my dog could talk his most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”

   Would you want to trust your fate to 12 people who were too dumb to get out of Jury Duty?

   What’s the difference between an art student and a philosophy student? A philosophy student asks you why you want fries with that

   A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchen. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.

   hoping the death of Osama Bin Laden means I cen get on a plane without getting fondled by a TSA agent.

   I feel like celebrating by eating a good old american double cheeze burger, fries and a cold Budweiser to wash it down.

   Call of Duty: Black Ops trained soldiers kill Bin Laden

   OSAMA may you rot in hell and have to listen to entire justin beiber discography over and over again for all eternity

   I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

   wishes Narnia was real, then she would have more room in her closet...

   Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(

   It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.

   I like to relive my single days when my wife gets home late by eating dinner standing over the sink.

   I've never fully accepted or mastered many of the key elements of being a grown up.

   Now that "Don't Ask Don't Tell" is repealed, is it okay to admit I like the song "Drops of Jupiter?"

   I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes....I'll judge you standing right here!!!!!

   Can still get a TKO on Glass Joe in the first round.

   Do you think once Mark Zuckerberg gets enough friends he will stop screwing with FaceBook?

   I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

   Facebook Commandment I: Thou shalt not hold a separate conversation under someone's status post.