Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saw a dude put sunscreen on his back by squirting it on a wall and backing into it.

   How a woman crosses her legs can say a lot about how she feels about you. For Example: If they're crossed over her head, she probably likes you

   Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.

   I wonder who Jason Waterfalls is and why TLC didn't want him to go?

   Husband: Let's try a different position tonight. Wife: That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

   What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)

   All the people with barbwire tattoos should join together and form a border wall between US and Mexico

   The hands that help others in need are holier than the lips that pray.

   Just deleted a guy off my friend list for posting the status "I hate Macaroni and cheese" That's right. I'm not taking crap from anyone today!

   Well played, anti-theft hotel hangers. But I took the rod too. Your move.

   Her smile used to get me through a tough day. Now her smile just keeps me up all these sleepless nights...wondering...what is this b!tch up to???

   I'm a guy that loves to show a woman exactly what I like sexually. So I start off every first date with a 2-hour PowerPoint presentation.

   I hate arrogant people....It's like they think they're better than me...No one is better than me!

   Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance! *this fb status had been approved and paid for by Alcohol

   Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.

   Sorry if you don't like my Honesty. But to be fair I don't like your lies

   It's impossible for a woman to say 'I'm not overreacting' without screaming.

   I feel like I am watching two middle aged house wives arguing over whose cookie recipe is better.

   I just made 8 cinnamon rolls disappear. I'm the saddest magician ever.

   All that Felix proved Sunday was that Redbull does not give you wings... You must use a parachute