Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whiskey and Ambien. When you absolutely, positively, have to wake up naked on your neighbors lawn holding a mailbox.

   I'd take you on a magic carpet ride, except that I shaved the carpet.

   A pinata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.

   I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.

   Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.

   Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

   I want to be rich enough to appreciate ugly art.

   I'm only a morning person on December 25th

   Dear Dude, who's slowly walking towards me at the park bench, dragging his one leg and can't keep his balance. Please be drunk and not a zombie.

   Dudes that wear Speedos should have to wear the bikini top too.

   To predict how someone is going to treat you, look at how they treat the waiters.

   I lose a lot of arguments just so I can go back to my nap.

   I really hope I never become famous because I'm really horrible at hooking up with celebrities.

   Almost a 1000 posts, And all I got was this lousy t-shirt.. Well, It's not really a t-shirt, more of a hospital gown. And this afternoon, I get to go for a supervised walk.

   Please take your b itching about the weather to Twitter. None of us here goes outside anyway.

   there's a difference between a country girl and some slut with a hat

   David Caruso finds the bomber dead in a boat,,,"Looks like someone could've used a...." (removes shades)... "Life preserver."

   And that's why I don't have a boat.

   If a fireman's job can go up in smoke, and a plumbers job can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?!

   I used to be a people person......but people fckued that all up...