Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So these ads for medicine are really confusing me.... They now have this creme that helps your eye lashes grow... but the side effects are blindness and black eye lids...so your saying I'll be blind with two black eyes but I'll have long eyelashes??...I'

   An auto-flush urinal made me feel insecure about my manhood by flushing while I was peeing, as if to say "nothing registers as being there."

   What the hell are you supposed to do while the whole room is singing you happy birthday. Just smile? sing along? dance?

   Thank you Facebook for reminding me of my anniversary. Please feel free to torment me with reminders of all of my other poor life decisions while you're at it....

   When in doubt, make the jerk-off hand motion.

   Hey Facebook, is it possible to cram a few more ads on my "new" profile page?

   All I want for Christmas is the charges dropped.

   Why was the blonde angry when she got her driver's license? Because she couldn't believe she had an F in sex.

   Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant

   lets play carpenter, first we get hammerd, then I nail you!

   WHOA! Someone just explained to me that I don't get paid for updating my status. I'm going to miss you guys.

   When someone say "You Changed" that means you are not catering to them any more

   Come on. Let's all go and be happy in front of some miserable people

   Can we just make everything battery-related run on AA batteries?

   Headed to Lowe's. After what I just did in the bathroom, it's best we just build another one.

   Forecast tonight: Dark

   making my list and checking it twice due to early on-set senility!

   woke up on the wrong side of someone else's bed this morning.

   Adults do have cooties..........We call it STD's

   Why does a talk show host have an interview with another talk show host; to talk about another talk show host? (Oprah, Leno, Conan)