Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you're pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things

   Found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself What Would Jesus Do? So I took it and turned it into wine.

   Your proctologist called. He found your head.

   I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

   me: my cup runneth over... sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

   Taco Bell is selling fries. Burger King is selling tacos. KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches. I knew we shouldn’t have legalized marijuana

   Are there any medium rappers? They’re all lil’ or big.

   are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

   Hey Victoria's Secret, I like to keep my wife's panty selection private so if your cashiers wouldn't hold them up like Simba when folding them, that'd be great.

   I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I'm in Solitaire confinement.

   I just helped my neighbor take an old rolled up carpet to the landfill. Her husband would have done it but he's out of town.

   For $250/hr I will pose as a couples counselor and tell your partner they are wrong about everything.

   If you grew up playing “lawn darts” with your siblings, your parents had too many kids and were trying to thin the herd.

   The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me when I was a kid but now they just whisper something stupid I did two months ago.

   Copy and Paste this status if you think Spectrum needs to learn what a "Limited-time Offer" means and needs stop sending us never ending letters in the mail telling us that.

   My new boss walked into my office and asked me if I had a sec... I replied, "sure, I have lots of secs!" Things have been very awkward since then.

   * asks plastic surgeon " can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?"

   I hate waiting in lines. Hurry up and pick a suspect already.

   When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like "Damn, where you get all them cards?"

   My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream. The best response was not "Was he hot?” I know this now.