Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why are the people in herpes commercials happier than I normally am?

   The best way to get a woman to argue with you is to say something

   So NBC has signed an agreement to remake 'The Munsters.' Don't we already have a show about a family of clueless monsters? I think it's called 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians'.

   A little girl asked her mom "Mom, are we getting pet lizard?" "Why?" the mom asked. "Cause I heard dad say he had reptile dysfunction."

   Dear old love, I used to think I had a really low sex drive. Now I realize it was just that I wasn't really attracted to you.

   Why do fellas use a condom on a chick the first time or two, but then just start going raw thereafter like STDs have a trial period?

   False praise helps no one. That's why I tell children exactly how terrible their drawings are. It's called Managing Expectations.

   biggest lie women tell: be honest, I wont get mad

   ‎"Can I see your phone?" "Uhm, yeah, a moment, I just have to send a text." <Delete, Delete, Delete, Delete>

   Women: Think of every guy you have ever been friends with. He has jerked off to you. Good talk.

   What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?

   "Bartender, I'd like to buy that table of women debating their favorite season of The Bachelor a round of cats"

   News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.

   Am I the only one that thought Ghana would come out wearing their 2014 Miami Heat NBA Champions shirts?

   Self esteem so low, you crop yourself out of your selfie.

   A pine tree planted in 2004 in memory of former Beatle George Harrison in a Los Angeles park has died after being infested by beetles.

   $950 for an iPhone 6 off contract’)... Airplane mode better take me on vacation

   I wonder if cat parents are telling their kittens about the good old days, when they could sleep on top of the TV.

   Cougars should be called eager beavers.

   Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.