Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I predict the end of the world will happpen when nobody foresees it.

   Does anyone else look at Gadhafi and think of Carlos Santana?

   After a very thorough, 25 year investigation, charges have officially been filed against "video" for her part in the killing of the radio star.....

   If there are ice cream vans in the summer, why cant we have Starbucks vans in the winter?

   You know it's cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.

   I bet cannibals were really disappointed by elbow macaroni.

   If you're always organizing things, you have OCD. If you're always eating things, you have OBCD.

   I guess it time to test my theory that Vodka (being alcohol) should kill the flu virus.......

   all men are born with their very own personal Shake Weight.

   Apparently, saying "grande" in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

   Breaking News from an awesome friend!: The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On and crashed into We All Have Problems before coming to a complete stop at Get Over It. Reporting LIVE from Quitchur Yapping, USA. :P

   Bad: Having a song stuck in your head. Worse: Having a song stuck in your head that you don't know all the words to.

   My son broke his Apple computer today and had the audacity to ask me to buy him a new one. I said, "Apples don't grow on f-kin trees you know!"

   Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet

   Wonders...Do you think the guy that invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "If you build it, they will come

   Fun thing to do to a jogger: Slam on brakes, come to a screeching halt beside him and scream out the window, "Turn around!!!!!!, for God's sake turn around!!!!!!, they are coming this way fast." Then speed away.

   I like my women the way I like my coffee. Yup, I like blonde slutty coffee with low self esteem and huge boobs

   Wife: Do you want some dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and No

   A mom is cleaning her son's bedroom and finds a hidden stack of bondage and fetish magazines. She asks her husband what to do and he says, "What ever you do, don't f*ckin' spank him!"

   Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat. What's next ? Marriage without sex?