Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The guy I’ve been paying to pick up sh*t in my backyard just realized that I don’t own a dog .

   there a pack of wild dogs attacking my child, or are there peas touching his mashed potatoes? I can't tell.

   The older I get the more freaky and weird the sex has to be for me to get off. Someday you're gonna have to smack my clit with a shovel.

   Finds most Christians treat their bible like computer software. They just scroll down the terms and conditions without reading it and click 'I agree.'

   you know you're getting OLD when your BRAND NEW car you drove in high school now qualifies for an ANTIQUE car tag.

   Out of all your lies I love you was my favorite.

   But if they stop selling Hummers how are we gonna know who's got a small pen!s?

   My liver is so black it talks during the entire movie.

   A black guy called me a disgrace in front of his girlfriend, but then I realized he was introducing me to his girlfriend Grace.

   You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

   "Are you as bored as I am?" Read that backwards, it still makes sense.

   ashamed of what he did for a Klondike bar.

   Sick of people worrying about the Criminal more than the Victim. I support the death penalty… and who cares how long it takes you to die during an execution? Di d you care when you killed those people?

   "Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."

   Dear M.Jordan please start making condoms. So these n*gas will start wearing them.....

   My wife wanted to talk to me about my constant immaturity, but she couldn't. She still doesn't know the password to my secret fort.

   Ever since I started working out every day, I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

   I heard in some places they bannned cigarettes from gas stations. That's a shame, I always smoke after I get f*cked.

   My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.

   Retired members of the House/Senate get $174k for life. Our veterans get 10% unemployment & a pat on the back. I need to go throw up now.