Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WANTED: Hoarder to come and gather up all my random sh%t and drag it back to their hoarding lair.

   I'm old enough to know what's bad for me and young enough to do it.

   The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

   Why join a gym if you have Photoshop?

   Don't make me use UPPERCASE.

   Old Macdonald had an agricultural real-estate tax abatement...

   30 minutes? I want to hear that from the pizza. Put the pizza on the phone!

   Everybody is somebody else's weirdo

   Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?”

   Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

   Never question a woman's mood. Question her motive.

   suffers from compulsive-indecisive disorder. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

   Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings.

   loves the Snooze button on his alarm clock because there is nothing like starting out your day with a little procrastination

   playing stupid and winning !

   thank god I'm ambidextrious and thank you redtube

   Step 1: Go to Google. Step 2: Type “who's the cutest”. Step 3: Hit I'm Feeling Lucky. Step 4: Enjoy.

   Learn how to spell Science you ruhtard

   Ever look at your friend's photos and think, "If you only knew what I did with her before she started seeing you."

   - Awesome high speed chase on FoxNews ending with the guy ramming the back of a tanker truck carrying Orange Juice. Anyone else find it ironic that O.J. actually STOPPED a high speed chase????