Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps... It does seem to freak out our son-in-law though 
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
If you shared that "I will give a random person 1 million dollars!" Powerball hoax on Facebook you might also want to send me $5000 to claim an additional $50,000 bonus prize.
when I'm happy, I drink and when I drink, I'm happy. Win/win!!
Poems that don't rhyme are just really weird sentences that make people feel awkward.
Why don't people start protesting funerals of members of the Westboro Baptist Church?
I remember the days when we actually used our phones to talk to each other.
The best gift anyone has ever given me is the truth. I will take the truth over a cleverly wrapped lie every time.
Sad Fact Of Life #208- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. …
Thanks to modern medicine, people can be sexually active long past the age when anyone wants to see them naked.
Whenever I sing,i put the cat in the front yard. That way,the neighbours can see it and know it's not being strangled.
I love spending time with the woman of my dreams, it's the waking up and needing a cold shower bit I hate.
a once your pants catch on fire, the fact that you just lied will become less important.
Saying irregardless makes you sound irridiculous.
The only thing I will help you with on Farmville is a slaughterhouse...lemme know when you're ready for a BBQ.
They say that money isn't the key to happiness. If I had lots of money, I'd have the key made.
it just me or does the friend finder on facebook seem alittle sketchy!
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.
Every Chinese buffet I have ever been to has had a huge selection of Jell-o. Do they know something about gelatin that I don't know? 