Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We all just need someone who will tie us to the bedpost and tell us everything is going to be alright.

   Nothing good ever starts with ‘Got a minute?’.

   Dating in your 20s: I love you so much. Let's get married! 30s: We get along pretty well. We should live together? 40s: I guess you can stay the night but don't touch my damn stuff.

   A massage is just professional petting for humans.

   Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?

   All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.

   If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

   Me: I think I'm having a heart attack. Her: Give me your phone code so I can call 911. Me: Never mind, I'm feeling better...

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers have a Fold cycle? It's 2018 for chrissake!

   *Sign outside a brothel that read "It's a business doing pleasure with you."

   Alexa, play back the last 45 minutes of this argument so we can prove who said what.

   Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?

   A sure sign you need coffee is to wake up put water in the coffee maker and end up with a nice hot pot of water.

   Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.

   To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon...

   Some of you need to review your settings or medication... I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

   Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance. Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

   Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower? All other inmates (in unison): No.

   Looking for a DJ for my dog and cat's upcoming wedding. No weirdos.

   POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes? DOG: Correct