Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Einstein was a genius. It was his brother Frank that created a monster.

   WebMD is updating their servers because of a virus. Well, they think it's a virus, but it could be kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.

   "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great advertising slogan for a condom company.

   Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

   I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington's decision when he reached the Delaware.

   My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

   Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

   Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?

   Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?

   I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten and be patient and wait your turn.

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   Too many of environmentally friendly philosophers in the world and not enough people willing to bend over to pick up a piece of garbage.

   If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?

   Jerk chicken is just like regular chicken, but it drives a BMW and doesn't care about your feelings.

   I wonder when the CDC will recommend closing the southern border.

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed

   We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch

   I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.

   I wanted you, but couldn't find the cheat codes to the game you playing.