Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

   Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV

   My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

   People that cheat on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 28 dependents in...

   Due to the Quarantine, I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

   I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

   Was nice to see the Rams and Patriots make it to the Maroon 5 concert last night..

   If you gets a link called 'free porn' don't open it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelchek and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. Lil

   So Walmart securty didn’t see this Mofo coming in from the parking lot with a Ak-47 ? But they wanna see a receipt for some water!

   This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.

   I saw a hipster wearing socks because it’s so cold.

   The people that are trying to make the world worse never take a day off, why should I? Light up the darkness.

   Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags

   Word of the Day: Intaxication - That brief period of euphoria you feel between receiving a tax refund and then realizing it was your money to begin with.

   This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.

   Its still winter because Mother Nature saw all our summer bodies and decided we weren't ready yet.

   Dear Amazon, I bought a vacuum filter from you because that model is hard to find. It was necessary, not because I am fond of them. I am not a vacuum filter collector. No matter how many ads you display, or emails you send me, I am not desperate for more.

   It looks like T-Mobile and Sprint are getting married. And to prove that things won't change, there will be no reception.

   Ironic that my kids can't remember to say the "please" word but boy do they remember the word I used that one time in heavy traffic last year.

   Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.