Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   concerned your choice in alcoholic beverages is now based on calorie count rather than intoxication efficiency

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content

   It's all fun and games til they open up the trunk...

   Why does the day after payday feel just like the day before payday???

   I am tired of being an adult... Can't I just play all day!?

   Thats the last time I order cheap printer cartridges from yemen.......

   Word to the wise... Sending an engagement request to your girlfriends facebook is not a good way to propose

   On a scale of 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 how OCD are you?

   Don't you find those people who keep updating how many days to christmas annoying? Anyway it's 37 days to christmas.

   If you worry about all the bridges you burn in life, you will never get across the river.

   I am obsessed with Morgan Freeman's voice. I want him to narrate my inner monologue.

   Life was so simple back when we didn't need a Username and a Password.

   In order to refrain from spending too much on Christmas, I'm voluntarily placing myself in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.

   always snickers when people say their computer went down on them.

   "I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone."

   The other day, Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring.

   And in the stock market today, helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

   My laziness is becoming such a issue that I can't even be bothered hanging my clothes on my treadmill anymore

   Nothing brings out the worst in human nature like a crowded mall. :) I can't wait to start Christmas shopping!

   Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?