Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation."
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive. 
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
I’m really thankful I had a childhood before social media took over.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
Just had ice cream without sprinkles on top. Diets are so hard.
If you call me from a private number I'll respect your privacy and not answer
Truth does not mind being questioned. A lie does not like being challenged
Has lost my mood ring, and I don’t know how it feels.
Not sure how people will react when they find out I'm actually a robot.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Distancing from people & not going out. Drinking too much coffee in the morning. Eating and smoking too much all day. Watching too much tv. Drinking too much at night. Then the pandemic struck.
When a cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."
I miss that feeling you'd get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
If a Fire-Fighter's career can go up in smoke, and a plumber's career can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her and yell "DON'T DIE ON ME!" and then people always clap when she wakes up.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
Since I'm getting older I've been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or chain smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100? 