Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow.

   Within every clean house is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous crap that someone just tossed in there.

   I'm not a geek, I just understand things you can't begin to comprehend.

   I don't jog for the same reason you don't see dump trucks running in the Indy 500...I know my limits.

   new years eve – one of the only days when it is socially acceptable to start drinking this early

   I hate when I can't understand what I'm eavesdropping on.

   The one constant among all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers

   Dear Facebook, we asked for a 'dislike' button, not a confusing profile layout, or a smaller font size! Sincerely, Facebook User

   You think the glass is half empty. I just appreciate that I have some beer left in it.

   Old: Never take candy from strangers. New: Never click links from strangers.

   going to spend his cab money on more shots and just get an ambulance home

   talk is cheap, thats why everyone can afford it

   Google Instant is great, but I find it disturbing that "grannies doing young studs" pops up before I finish typing "granola."

   His next day off the kids get to pick where we get to go.... Please pick the liquor store... Please pick the liquor store.

   I wish I had a room in my house that had zero gravity.

   Remember the first time you were ther leader of the line in kindergarten?........ That was the SHIZNITT!!!!

   Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

   Why worry about the world ending today, Its tommorow in Japan.

   Oh how winky faces make anything sound dirty (;

   When someone changes their relationship status to "It's complicated." it always means that they don't know which hand to use...