Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 572 of 6385
If You Like Piña Colada's, and getting songs stuck in your head...
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05-13-2014 06:46 by Steve OH
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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
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05-16-2014 16:59
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I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
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08-05-2014 17:08 by Nipper
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If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
The amount of people I have to say good morning to on a daily basis really pisses me off
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11-12-2014 12:46 by Baddie
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Analysts say Obama's new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.
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11-21-2014 14:13 by Mark M
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How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there's something seriously wrong with Eeyore
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12-06-2014 06:57 by huck
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The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
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12-19-2014 21:34
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If you left me alone with a monkey of average intelligence for half an hour, I could teach him to understand how a traffic merge works better than 70% of the human drivers on the road.
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02-24-2015 17:42
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I'm just going to flip the omelette now. Annnnnnnndddd, now I'm having scrambled eggs.
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03-24-2015 13:14
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The most unrealistic part of the Harry Potter series is that Ron and Harry never once used the invisibility cloak to watch the girl wizards in the shower. That is the first thing most teenage boys would do.
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04-12-2015 21:46
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My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
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04-29-2015 12:23 by flinnie
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I don't need to know how to read Chinese to know that your neck tatoo says "I earn minimum wage"
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05-05-2015 13:26
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Happy Mother's Day to the iPad that's raising your child...
Don't worry, Pope Benedict XVI, I get it. Mondays make me want to quit my job too.
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02-11-2013 08:27
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I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. she chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me she will never trust another human being again.
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03-15-2013 20:48 by snotty
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Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
WebMD needs to add the question “Have you eaten Taco Bell today?” when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
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04-05-2013 20:53 by BEGO
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My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
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04-09-2013 18:35
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I'd like to invite you to stop inviting me to like your page on facebook.
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07-31-2013 18:51 by snotty
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