Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when a cop pulls you over and he tells you to get off the phone..DO NOT SAY: I gotta go honey, your husband is being a jerk. Seriously don't. ;)

   If I'm guilty of anything it's loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.

   I'm going to walmart in a few minutes....does this belt look OK with these sweat pants?

   :Weird how an attractive face is the criteria by which one decides whether to lick the area that someone pees from.

   LIKE if you remember what it was like to take a ton of pictures only to wait a week to find out they were useless.

   Nicki Minaj looks like the type of person who would just squat & take a sh!t in the middle of a busy street, not wipe, & keep on walking.

   I was on the exercise bike for almost 30 minutes just now. It was pretty easy. Tomorrow I may even try using the pedals.

   Parents stop excusing your children's bad behavior! If you don't hold them accountable for their words and actions you're creating a$$holes of tomorrow.

   Every neck tattoo should just say, 'I owe back child support.'

   running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

   I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.

   I hope to get to the point in my life where I'm not excited about finding change on the ground.

   We are so fortunate not to live in China,,, they have to hide their posts in cookies.

   Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.

   Everything I know about U.S. history and geography I learned by reading the sides of U-Haul moving trucks.

   My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer

   A MILF is a sexy ass mum over 35. If you're 18, you're just an idiot with a baby.

   Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.

   Be advised Ladies: Once I show you my Knight Rider lunchbox from 1985, foreplay has officially begun.

   Airplanes have now banned tweezers. I think anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane.