Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 561 of 6385
Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"
Every man hopes to marry a nymphomaniac; but in many marriages, after a few years the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.
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02-09-2012 14:19
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I was pretty sure that at this point in my career, I would have henchmen by now
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06-03-2011 14:48 by flinnie
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Why in the hell do I have to press 1 for English and be left on hold for ten minutes to ultimately speak to someone who can't speak English…….someone please explain this….
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11-04-2009 11:57
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If the mini skirt gets any shorter...women will have two more lips to paint, two more cheeks to powder, & a little more hair to comb"
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04-09-2010 11:39 by ANGELA
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Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
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12-28-2010 18:38
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On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
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07-27-2011 20:46 by Aaron
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We're all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell, just different devils.
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07-07-2011 09:34 by Rohit
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This really ugly girl asked me earlier... if I thought she was attractive. I didnt want to be mean and I also didnt want to lie. So I thought for a second and told her I thought she was "Wal-Mart Sexy".
The only time I've ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
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09-28-2011 11:48 by CJ
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Whenever I see small children on leashes, I'm always tempted to run up, scratch their bellies, and ask “How old in human years?”
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03-29-2011 17:26 by M.A.C.
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For a lion to be a cannibal, he must first, swallow his pride.
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03-30-2011 12:06 by Aaron
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If I blocked you on Facebook, what makes you think I want to talk to you in real life?
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04-28-2011 09:47 by JC
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When I'm bored, nobody texts me, but when I'm busy, my phone blows up.
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05-04-2011 22:29 by BEGO
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Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight!! Woop* Happy Friday the 13th!!
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05-13-2011 15:25
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Three things I cannot do: (1) pass up a piece of cake, (2) say "rural" and (3) open a can of biscuits without yelling when it pops.
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05-20-2011 09:43 by Rick H.
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I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
Teenagers. They have been annoying me all summer long. Now they're back in school. So today on my lunch hour I drove circles around the high school laughing through a loud speaker.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and thought about how much better it would be if they had a personality...
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02-09-2011 11:17
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when a cop pulls you over and he tells you to get off the phone..DO NOT SAY: I gotta go honey, your husband is being a jerk. Seriously don't. ;)
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03-01-2011 11:22
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