Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Things I'm confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?

   Scenes from "The Exorcist" could have been filmed in my car while I'm stuck in traffic.

   70% of Americans are on prescription drugs. If you find that number depressing, talk tou your doctor about Cymbalta.

   I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.He said, "Sarah... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

   I've never lost a water balloon fight since I started freezing the water balloons beforehand.

   as confused as a chameleon in a bag of skittles.

   Ladies, men are not that hard to figure out. They are a lot like carpet tiles… If you lay them properly the first time around, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.

   If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

   It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

   I got an e-mail from a woman that read, "I need you to come plow my field.... squeeze my melons.... touch my yams...and play with my peach!" I was getting ALL excited until I realized it was just an invitation to play Farmville...WTF!

   wished I could teach you.... but you cant teach "awesomeness," so just hang out in the back and watch me work!

   Would Like To Personally Thank VH1 and MTV. For helping the White Trash of America with jobs during these down economic times with the shows Jersey Shore, Tool Academy, And 16 And Pregnant..... Way To Stimulate Our Minds And Economy.

   My name is_____ and I can never find a key chain with my name on it...

   It disturbs me that my boss, the guy who controls whether or not I keep my job, has one of those magic 8 balls on his desk.

   One night stands in hotel rooms just don't do it for me anymore. ...That's why I always ask for a bed with two night stands.

   If you hated taking quizzes in school, why the hell are you doing them on Facebook......and putting them on my News Feed?

   If I can make you laugh with a Facebook Status... Imagine what I could do if we met at a bar.

   I just gave a cow $5 and it didn't do anything. Cow tipping isn't as much fun as everyone says it is!!

   Is it just me or do those red foil wrapped Hershey's kisses taste almost identical to the silver foil Hershey's kisses? I'll keep testing.

   The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I'm home alone and my power goes out.