Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 541 of 6385
There's a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It's like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn't say why.
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07-27-2016 16:46
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I just want someone to look at me like I look at bubble wrap.
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07-28-2016 20:52
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It used to be only captured criminals covered their faces with their jackets... Now it's people telling pollsters how they're going to vote.
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08-01-2016 11:52 by Snotty
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The man in the toilet stall next to me sounds like he’s pushing a car up a hill and not making any headway.
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08-14-2016 02:11
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I wrote you a little song. It's called, "Stop including me in group texts or I'm going to cut you."
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08-24-2016 19:46 by Snotty
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.... Isn't it curious that Hillary's health narrative went from "Stop the Conspiracy Theories" to "Hillary is perfectly healthy, stop being sexist" to "FDR had Polio and was a good President" in less than 12 hours?
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09-12-2016 10:26
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I’m just a social drinker. Every time someone says, “I’ll have a drink”, I say, “Social I.”
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don't care about being healthy and smelling clean."
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10-25-2016 01:59
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Trojan rejected my safe sex slogan today. "Don't kid yourself".
I wonder if he will put Hillary in jail now?
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11-09-2016 04:02
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Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
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11-28-2016 14:06
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Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
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12-01-2016 11:56
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What does "prices too low to advertise" mean? Are they afraid if they advertise the price that too many people will want to buy it?
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01-31-2017 17:50
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"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
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02-22-2017 08:37
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Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
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03-03-2017 19:38 by barber
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I got Jennifer Aniston's autograph! Well, it's on a restraining order but still...
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03-17-2017 07:42
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Not sure what's longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
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03-21-2017 18:54
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Of all the poop in this world, who decided that bat shyt's the craziest?
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03-26-2017 15:23
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Mom: Clean up your room. We have company coming over for dinner. Me: And we're all going to eat in my room?
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04-01-2017 06:33
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I have no problem with the Kardashians. I have a problem with the people who care about them.
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05-29-2018 14:22
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