Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just left the bar. Did you guys know you can leave while you're still able to walk?!

   Watching the food channel when you're hungry is like watching porn.

   Facebook saved me from a terrifying keeping-my-thoughts-to-myself addiction.

   When a GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time." I see "Time to Beat."

   I could never bring myself to kill....however, I do have a list of some pretty sweet hiding spots.

   walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid little freak... In Morse code

   Criticism is the best sign you're onto something.

   "I'm Tom Bodett of Motel 6, we'll leave the Lysol on for ya"

   There are only 3 steps to sleeping with alot of women. 1). Have your own place. 2). Have a bar in your place 3). HAVE NO STANDARDS

   If there is a window of opportunity ... why the hell does it knock? Shouldn't it be a door? No wonder so many people miss opportunities. They answer the door, not the window.

   Would if he could: Change his relationship status to "Pimpin'...and it's complicated"

   If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

   If Tylenol, Duct Tape & WD-40 can't fix it...you've got serious problems !!!

   I don't know what all the hype is about multitasking... I have tried it and it's isn't for me... It's just a fancy word meaning " you're screwing up several things at once".

   Nobody notices what I do, until I don't do it.

   When the outcome of what I strive for is consistently determined by things completely out of my control, my give-a-damn reacts accordingly. I'm just sayin'...

   If this past life dictating the stuff that happens to you is true, I really think that the previous life should leave an apology note or something. "Sorry dude but during this life, I did a lot of sh!t that's going to bite you in the @ss. Heads up."

   I think we all have that look perfected that says, "I am paying attention and appear interested in what you are saying", when my brain is really thinking about stuff like pancakes, tv shows, and leaving work early.

   Camping out for video game releases is a fun way to prepare for your impending homelessness.

   When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.