Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm still impressed with the dogs ability to play it cool about having eight nipples.

   I sure am glad they give me a lead vest when they're giving me x-rays at the dentist. It gives the impression those rays must be dangerous. I'd hate to have something bad happen to my chest while I'm having dangerous x-rays shot into my head.

   Don't get me wrong, I totally hear what you're saying, I just don't give a d*mn.

   Please irritate me. I would LOVE to see how badly it ends for you. ;)

   No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

   I love your approach. Now let's see about your departure.

   thinks cocaine is a good way of telling you that you make too much money.

   My Dad is taking ownership of my phone for a day so if you could refrain from sending me texts like "F&ck me gently with a chainsaw"(2:30am) then that would be fantastic

   so your telling me that facebook is gonna start charging money monthly? You remind of the people that told me that about Hotmail.. TEN YEARS AGO!"

   It would be some much easier for me to be compassionate, if compassionate meant smacking people in the head.

   I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

   My son has been sitting at the computer for so long I almost watered him today..........

   I'm peeved that the bank owns a good chunk of this house but hasn't once taken out the trash. Worst roommate ever.

   I'm going to write that down in my "Things I don't give a crap about" notebook.

   A handful of Nigerian scam artists are wrecking it for all the honest Nigerians who want to wire money to us.

   planning to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday. Maybe I should be a politician..

   you know you're getting older when your back goes out more than you do

   I prefer the button fly. That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking metal teeth.

   I don't know about you but putting the Kardashian's on a credit card to promote financial responsability makes as much sense as getting a nun to be a spokes woman for a condom company.

   Women never hate men enough to give us our diamonds back.