Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing saves money like being antisocial.

   It's not that I'm judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.

   If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.

   After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.

   be careful what you post online because future employers might see it and want to hang out with you because you’re so cool

   When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.

   I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

   There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.

   People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

   Facts never seem to matter to a lynch mob.

   Before you begin, I’m legally obligated to tell you I don’t care.

   I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon

   My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

   Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.

   The human body is 80% water, so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

   It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I've turned myself around.

   When I was a kid, I was told "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." For the first seven years of my life everyone thought I was a deaf-mute.

   A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.

   The real reason I'm not a superhero.... Pockets,I need my pockets.

   Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you're able to get away with.