Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jumbo tampons and magnum condoms should be on the same shelf for chance meetings and match making purposes.

   Having a hell of a time getting my leg out of this blood pressure machine at Walmart

   Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.

   Lance Armstrong admits to cheating. Can you believe the ball of that guy?

   Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn't mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks. .. If she sways her hips from side to side she's good in bed. .. If she takes small steps she's unadventurous. .. If she's tiptoeing away from you shes got your credit card.

   My wife gets annoyed with my long showers. I told her they could be 10-15 minutes shorter if she joined me.

   Girl at bar: My kids are my world!! Me: Then why are you out drinking??

   Showing your love used to be buying them flowers or writing a poem. Now it's just looking at them for 5 minutes without checking your phone.

   Alcohol does kill brain cells. As a kid I could name all the dinosaurs. Now I can name maybe three, and I'm not even sure armadillos count.

   Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.

   If you think you aren't creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.

   Strangly enough we will need China to finance us in our war against them ! Crazy thing is they will probably do it !

   One man's hoe is probably another man's hoe too.

   The mirrors in my house have been pretty sarcastic lately.

   Instead of 3 debates, the presidential candidates should be on Jeopardy, Are you smarter than a 3rd grader, and American Gladiators to determine who gets my vote.

   I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn't in a band any more.

   Today everyone will update about who they chose for president, then tomorrow it will be back to what they chose for lunch.

   Santa put me in charge of the naughty list this year. So if you have been naughty inbox me so we can talk about your punishment and gift.

   So, you're telling me my credit score should have three digits?