Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 499 of 6385
Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
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10-13-2011 16:58
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I was just sexually harassed. Screw a lawsuit. I haven't been this flattered in a while..
If a stranger starts talking to you in an elevator, just say: "I don't want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you" that'll shut 'em up.
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04-21-2011 02:15 by flinnie
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I'm setting my alarm for 3am Friday, so I can wake up, remember I don't give a shit about the royal wedding and go back to sleep
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04-24-2011 22:11
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I love watching two girls meet each other. It's easily the most fake thing I have ever seen.
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05-03-2011 21:01 by BEGO
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I hate that disapproving look George Washington is giving me on the $1 bill. As if to say "You're making bad choices."
Sex for Hugh Hefner at his age must be like shooting pool with a rope.
used the money I saved on my gym membership and bought PhotoShop.
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03-07-2011 15:46 by Charles35
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You ever had a dream so damn good, you were pissed right after you woke up because you didn't want it to end....then you tried to go back to sleep to continue it but failed?
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04-08-2011 17:40 by Danmanz
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My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
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10-03-2012 19:37 by snotty
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I can't wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I survived the end of the world!
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12-19-2012 16:29
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Nothing more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye looking up at you while giving you head.
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07-28-2012 12:09 by Baddie
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This is actually a pretty horrible dating site you guys.
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03-07-2013 07:06
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"I'd hit that" -old people who drive
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03-14-2013 16:55 by Aaron
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You can lead a human to knowledge.... but you can't make them think.
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03-20-2013 13:46 by Aaron
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I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food... I dont even know where sandwiches live!
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
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07-10-2013 03:11 by Baddie
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Looking on the bright side, if the Mayans are right, this is the last Monday we'll ever have to deal with.
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12-17-2012 17:51 by JMartin
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Love in 2013 means answering each other’s texts immediately.
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01-18-2013 21:16 by BEGO
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Sorry, but your kids don't look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
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04-12-2013 11:12 by SEAN
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